One look can take you from pride to shame. The look that happens when someone you love sees something you created and love for the first time and reflects back that self-doubt you feel inside. Maybe they don’t mean to diminish your work or ideas, but you catch the look before they hide their feelings or speak words meant to encourage. My husband didn’t even hide or disguise his lack of interest or value in what I held before him; my third textile art landscape. He gave me a look that simply said “why?” and it made me shrink inside. I found myself even playing it off or diminishing it by saying, “I know, why? But, I’m doing it anyway.” I let myself down, though, because I allowed his opinion to make me question my art’s value.

As a woman in my fifties, I’m doing the work of self-discovery and reconnection in order to build the life I want for the next half. One of the ways I am exploring my own interests is through a textile art challenge where I create twelve textile landscape pieces in order to discover my method, preferences, and style. I’m loving this for myself and feel brave in sharing it with others through progress posts. But, at that moment, I questioned myself.

It makes me angry that this is my default. I’m honestly tired of apologizing for the things I enjoy and for taking time to do them. To help me process my feelings, I decided to go for a walk in the park with my dog. As I walked, I slowly formulated what I was really wondering. I thought, “does something need to be created IN service to others to be OF service to others?” Or, could it be valuable to others if we create it for ourselves, for the betterment of our own lives, or just for the pure joy of playing and exploring? When does something hold value and when is it worth the time it takes to create?

Many have written about the fact that women have largely been raised to believe that their worth revolves around their service to others and general goodness. My mother and female relatives didn’t need to teach this to me explicitly. Rather, their actions and praise were like neon signs pointing to what was valued and worthy in a woman; self-less care, service to others, denial of interests and preferences when they interfered with others, and so on. I value service and care toward others, and appreciate that I had amazing role models and loving women in my life who encouraged me in all aspects of life. They were strong and overcame much to have the quality of life they did and they still wanted more for me. I carry their legacy of care and kindness (to the best of my human ability) and try to instill much of what I learned in my two daughters.

At the same time, I feel the echoes of their regret, denial, and silencing ripple into my own life. I believe they wanted and deserved better. When guilt for doing something I love and enjoy bubbles up, I realize I am at the threshold between the past and future. In each instance, I have a choice to make. I could feel doubt and let it sway me to denial, or I could push past it as an act of resistance and do what brings me joy anyway. I want to model for my daughters the balance between caring for others with love and kindness (something the world needs more of every day), and turning that love and care inward to ensure their joy and fulfillment will move them forward toward another day.

I chose to continue the textile art I love to make because it reminds me that I matter and that this is the only life I get to have in this world. I may not be able to live out loud or express who I am with authentic abandon. But, I can engage in quiet moments, in small spaces and practices, where quiet alchemy can bring me back to myself or inspire a new version of myself I haven’t met yet. I don’t believe the value is always in the outcome or product of our work and time, but in the process and space taken to create it in the first place.