“My solo trip cracked me open. I know I had to get that far away from myself and my life…to go to the end of myself in order to find myself again.”

The morning after I arrived home from Madrid, I stood in the kitchen after the family left and suddenly, without warning, felt an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude; and started sobbing. Not just tears, but the kind of full body sobbing that comes from releasing something deep within. Since then, people have asked about the trip. I tell them about the places, the food, time with my son. But I’ve left so much out. What I experienced, I wish for you.

The only way I can describe it: I found my sense of awe and wonder again. Honestly, I didn’t even know I was missing it. Somewhere after the babies got older, the work got more intense, and daily life took over, I boxed it up for safekeeping. Little bits sneaked out over the years. But mostly, I had buried that package deep inside, wrapped inside my sense of self, wrapped inside my emotions.

The moment it broke open was in Valencia. My son was resting, so I set out alone and walked the old part of the city. I turned at the end of a narrow street and stepped into the Queen’s Square. I sucked in my breath and froze. Tears sprang to my eyes. When I saw that open space, a space opened inside of me. I felt expanded and, at the same time, deeply connected to something within myself – a ripple of childlike wonder that brought me back to earlier versions of me.

Later, I stepped into a beautiful cathedral; nearly dark from the outside, door slightly ajar. I turned the corner toward the front and was met with cathedral ceilings edged in gold. Low light. Candles burning. I felt such a sense of awe that it felt like a personal invitation. My whole body felt an embrace. A gentle reminder that I was His. I was loved. I was worthy. Worthiness was something I had continued to struggle with for a long time. That moment changed something. I just feel more whole than I was before.

I am resolved now to look for wonder in everyday life. Every single day. We don’t have to go to another country to find it. Sometimes it lives deep inside, or in the eyes of someone we love. We just need to look with our eyes and hearts wide open. Even if it makes us vulnerable to hurt it feels like the only way to live.

A journal prompt for you: Think of a time (even an ordinary one) when you stepped outside your usual routine and noticed something about yourself you’d forgotten. What did that version of you want you to remember?