I thought the solo trip was more about my son, but I found out it was for me.

The fear of traveling alone consumed me and the only remedy was my vision of reuniting with my son in Spain.  He was spending a year studying abroad in Madrid, Spain and I missed him terribly.  My husband went with him at the beginning, but I had to stay back due to my teaching schedule at the university. Though this was a trip of a lifetime, the thought of traveling over an ocean, overnight, and by myself was very intimidating. I packed my bag with trepidation, care, and anxiety.  

Once my husband dropped me off at the airport very early in the morning and I got through the first round of TSA processes, a sense of calm finally emerged.  This didn’t last long. A  notification popped up that said my connecting flight was canceled. My international flight to Spain! It was the first of many panic moments the trip would bring as it seemed I needed many  “oh cr*p” moments to learn to trust myself again, to pause and focus my energy on solutions, and to find strength and wisdom I thought was lost.  

To understand why those moments mattered, I have to back up a little. It is hard to admit, but from my mid-forties onward my brain started to activate panic mode by default and I found it so hard to engage with rational thought. Years of being a classroom teacher, a mom, and an administrator required that I be in a constant state of alert.  As my mind aged and hormones started the perimenopause wars inside my body and brain, I lost trust in my ability to work through stress; big and small. That constant state of alert under pressure with high stakes took a big toll on me. Thankfully, I had trusted people in my life to support me and I came to rely on them for courage, wisdom, or rational thought. Without consciously being aware of it, I lost trust in my abilities and myself. It is very humbling to admit this as a person who has felt pride in being in control and self-sufficient. 

In Spain, I navigated airports and subway systems in a language I couldn’t speak. I decided where to go, what to eat, and when to sleep without consulting a single person. I cried openly in public (knowing how much I would miss my son once I left) without worrying about making others uncomfortable. The sum of those small acts added up to something I hadn’t expected.

After the trip, I felt invigorated and more alive than I have felt in so very long. I kept wondering what it was about the trip or what exactly had changed in me. Through journaling and self reflection, and even in the writing of this post, I understand that the shift came from deep inside. It was trust. Trust in myself and my abilities. I feel it in my relationships with my family. I feel it in my professional life. I feel it in the way I talk to myself. The freedom I feel to be my authentic self comes from a place of trust. When I went through daily life constantly questioning myself and wondering if I was saying the right thing, doing the right thing, or even feeling the right emotions it felt so oppressive and isolating. I constantly looked outward to others to validate me, my choices, and my life as a whole because I had stopped believing in myself. 

Traveling abroad was the catalyst I needed to rebuild trust because it threw me into a space where I could only rely on myself (with an occasional safety net in my son). But, I don’t think we need these large events or experiences to actually move toward ourselves. My self-trust was so lost inside of self-doubt and self-criticism that I needed a huge shift. That was only the starting place, though.  Since then, I have begun writing again, started to develop my artistic style/voice in daily practices, and set small boundaries in place within my family and work relationships. It is all still messy and there are bad days or days I revert back to doubting myself.  Yet, the momentum has not waned and somehow I find the strength and courage to build a new vision for this next part of my life. Build toward freedom of self and expression.

Read more in my Insights post here where I unpack the lessons and meaning derived from this experience.