The morning after I arrived home from Madrid, Spain, I stood in the kitchen after the family left for work and school; getting ready to assess the food situation in the house and preparing to go shopping to get things back to normal. Suddenly, and without warning, I felt an overwhelming sense of peace and gratitude as aspects of the trip flooded my mind and I started sobbing.  Not just tears running down my face, but the kind of full body sobbing that comes from the need to release something from deep within. 

I traveled to Spain to visit my son, who was studying abroad for a year, after winter break in early January 2026. I enjoyed documenting the trip and sharing it on social media for friends and family to follow along.  My dad sponsored the trip and I wanted him to experience my journey as best as he could since he won’t likely be able to travel that far at this stage of his life. 

Since then, so many people have asked me what my trip was like; what I enjoyed, anything interesting I saw or learned about…the typical questions. And, I tell them about the places I saw, food I ate, and some of the moments I had with my son.  I shared that my son and I took a side trip to Valencia on a train because I wanted to see and touch the Mediterranean Sea.  I thought if I was already that far, I wanted to experience and see something I have only ever seen on a map. Yes, it was beautiful.  Yes, it was memorable in all the ways one would expect traveling to another country and having a positive experience would be. Yes, time with my son did my heart and soul a world of good. But, I left so much out.  This, my midlife friend, is what I want to try to describe and share with you. What I experienced, I wish for you and believe is possible for each of us. 

The only way I can describe what happened  is that I found my sense of awe and wonder again.  How long has it been since you saw or felt something so intense that you caught your breath, or stopped dead in your tracks?  Do you even think it possible at this age and stage? Honestly, I didn’t even know I was missing that kind of childlike wonder and joy until it came back to me so suddenly and unexpectedly.  I didn’t realize that some time after my babies got older, the work got more intense, the housework took much of my free time, and daily/weekly events at home and/or the world sucked whatever sense of awe and wonder was left within me.

No, that isn’t quite right or fair.  To get through those harder years, I think I boxed it up for safe keeping because maybe it felt too painful to lose all at once, or at all.  I think little bits of awe and wonder sneaked out, even during those years, in the form of my children’s growth and accomplishments.  In moments I felt God draw close to me when things were hard. In moments of gratitude when loved ones healed or resolved painful or intense issues. But, in those years I buried that little package so deep inside of another package I call my sense of self and that one inside of my emotions. 

I won’t go into the journey I’ve had in the last five or six years back to myself.  That will be another post one day soon. Truly, though, I had to first get back in touch with my feelings and emotions, which then helped me reconnect with my authentic self, and only then could God reach deep inside to pull the ribbons holding the package with awe and wonder to release them.

As I noted, being in a different country is amazing in its own right and I was so lucky to be able to take the trip.  I knew it would be challenging and I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it alone and build confidence.  At first, this is exactly what happened as I navigated my way from the airport to my hotel and then around the city of Madrid using the subway system (with a little support from my son).  It felt empowering to be on my own and tackle challenges!  

Then, my son and I went to Valencia, Spain. It was a grand adventure and something only the two of us will remember and share.  Given he is my first born, we haven’t had as many of those moments since his sisters were born. So, the trip was significant in many ways.  As nineteen year olds tend to do, he relaxed in our hotel room and didn’t want to explore.  Too much walking after a late night the night before. So I set out on my own and over the better part of the next two hours or so I walked the old part of Valencia with barely a moment’s pause. I can’t really describe the beauty of the city in mere words or even pictures.  The older part of Valencia was developed with foot traffic in mind and the architecture is gorgeous. 

Valencia, Spain

The exact moment awe and wonder broke for me, though, was when I walked to the end of a narrow street that opened up into the Queen’s square.  I sucked in my breath.  I froze in the spot and then (turning to make sure I didn’t run into anyone) took several steps back toward that narrow street.  I took it all in and tears sprang to my eyes.  I can’t really explain what was so special about the spot.  Maybe it was because the sky had been gray and cold and when I stepped into the square the sun was bright and warm.  Maybe it was because I saw a small grove of orange trees to one side, or that the buildings just felt majestic and so different from anything I had ever seen.  Maybe all of it at once!  After the spell was broken for a bit, I walked to one side, took out my phone, and took a video for my dad to share the moment, but also my gratitude for the experience. 

I continued to walk through the city with amazement and joy until I came to a church.  It looked closed and a bit dark from the outside, but the front door was slightly ajar.  I decided to go in and turned the corner toward the front and was met with cathedral ceilings edged in gold.  Low light. Candles burning at the front. Once again, I felt such a sense of awe and wonder at the sight.  It felt like I had been personally invited by God into His house at that moment in time. My whole body felt an embrace of love and peace that seemed to send a message, a gentle reminder that I was His.  I was/am loved by Him and worthy.  Though I had done much work to rebalance my life and reconnect with myself, I will share that worthiness was something I continued to struggle with and it limited my confidence and ability to move forward.  

That moment fundamentally changed me and made me stronger in ways I can’t describe or explain.  I just feel more whole than I did before.  I still question myself.  I still doubt my decisions and struggle to see a solid plan or path forward toward long range plans. But my faith in Him and myself is grounded, strong, and revived. 

When I stood in my kitchen and sobbed, I believe it was because my body and mind couldn’t hold all of the gratitude, humility, and grace I felt. My solo trip cracked me open. I know I had to get that far away from myself and my life…to go to the end of myself in order to sort of find myself again.

It has been several weeks since then, and I am resolved to look for and find wonder in everyday life. Every. Single. Day. . I want to continue to find beauty in the people and the world around me because I remember what that felt like and I believe it is possible to find even when you aren’t in another country.  Sometimes, that awe and wonder can be felt deep inside or in the eyes of a loved one.  We just need to look with our eyes and hearts wide open. Even if it makes me vulnerable to hurt, it feels like the only way to live.