Sometimes, when I look at him, I still see that fresh little baby boy who had such a hard journey into the world. I see those beautiful blue eyes with long eyelashes looking back at me in wonder from his swaddled little body.  I carried him to term with all the joy, love, and anxiety of all new mothers, but that first moment when we looked at each other for the first time was worth everything.

My heart has never been the same since that first meeting between my son and I. But, I will admit that my love for him ran a bit quiet in recent years. A deep current underneath; strong and true, but quiet. Raising teens changes the relationship in increments so small you don’t notice until it’s unrecognizable from those sweet early years.

Fast forward to the start of this year (2026) when my son is nineteen and studying abroad in Madrid, Spain for the full year. The day he left I melted into tears, privately, and felt such a loss.  I think it surprised me because my son had grown distant before and certainly after high school graduation.  We loved each other, had lovely chats, but it felt disconnected and I had quietly grieved over the changes in the past few years.  We both were in transition and neither of us knew the right way to move toward our new adult relationship. He rejected my hug good-bye coldly and that only deepened my sense of loss. 

After he left, I distracted myself with work and family, but his absence was felt constantly. Then, one fall day my dad called to tell me he wanted to sponsor a trip for me to go and see my son over winter break.  The trip was planned, though I had much anxiety about flying over the ocean.

I wish I could say that once I arrived we bonded and had a glorious time exploring the city and other places, but it was a bit of a slower warm than that. I realized that a shift needed to happen and, as the more senior adult, I had to be the one to modify my expectations to make room for a new kind of relationship between the two of us. He needed to see that I accepted and respected who he was as an adult with his own mind and needs. Maybe I would have felt differently about making this transition if he hadn’t proved to me that he was responsible, but he was doing so well in most areas of his life.  I wanted and needed to build his trust in me. 

What followed were days when we would spend time together and then we would separate and do our own thing. On the second day we agreed to meet at a museum.  We walked around for a bit and after a while it became clear that he was tired of looking at paintings. He sat down and said something like, “do you think if you don’t do something you will regret it for the rest of your life?” Would he regret not spending so much time with me while I was there? He’s always been very deep that way, and sensitive to others. This was my moment to release him from my expectations, even though it was difficult for me.  But, if I had pushed him to do things with me or tried to make him feel guilty or ashamed for not wanting to entertain me, not only would we both have had a terrible time, the damage to our relationship would have been significant.

We spent time together a little bit each day and then parted to do our own things.  That is until we traveled to Valencia together via train and had to stay in the same room. He was a good sport, but when we got there and checked into the hotel he just said he didn’t feel like going anywhere else. I wrote another post about my adventures on my own that afternoon and evening. It was personally empowering and transformative; an experience that I might not have had if I forced him to walk around with me.  

I returned to our room and found him asleep on the couch. Actually, this was exactly what I wanted all along.  To be there and, even for a bit, be that safe and familiar place where he could let go, rest, and recover. I know as much as he may enjoy his time there, as successful as he is in his courses, and as much as he may show he is okay… there is at least a small part of him that is weighed down with all he has had to carry. Does that make sense to you moms out there?  Can’t you just feel when your child has been carrying too much for a long time and don’t you just want to lift it off of them for a short while?  Help them feel they aren’t alone? When I saw he was asleep, I wasn’t disappointed that we wouldn’t be going to dinner together or walking around the city that evening. I felt the fulfillment of an unspoken need and a flood of love for him just filled me up.  It stayed with me for the whole trip and I believe he felt it, too.

The next day, he was so sweet and spent the whole day with me walking to see the Mediterranean Sea, walking around Valencia and going into shops.  We just had the best time being together as our authentic selves with little expectations of each other. Our train ride back to Madrid was filled with delays that stretched our patience to the limits.  But, when we got to his subway stop late in the evening, he initiated a hug good-bye and thanked me for the trip. The following day was my last.  After coffee and a chat, I bought him some groceries for the week.  We ended up outside of his dorm building and he let me hug him for a long time.  The kind of over twenty second hug that is supposed to support your nervous system and help you feel deeply connected to the other person. 

Does this mean our relationship will be magical and perfect from here on out. Probably not. We did, however, begin to build a different relationship with mutual respect and trust. He will still pull away sometimes, or say things that might feel hurtful as he figures himself out and establishes boundaries. I will still feel hurt and have to process that or work out how to express it to him to establish my own boundaries. I think we both learned a few healthy ways to be together and love each other on our own terms.

I returned to this essay and found something underneath it. Read that reflection here.