It was a beautiful Saturday morning, the kind that arrives with clarity in what to do and time to do it. For once, I felt in control of my day and sure of its purpose. Every midlife caregiver knows what came next. And then my phone rang.

An emergency at my dad’s house. Three hours away.

Just when I felt I was making progress toward building a life where I take up space alongside and with others I love, the guilt popped back up. I felt the guilt rise up from my gut and felt a cold fear spring out in sweat droplets on my face. The body doesn’t forget. There were echoes of guilt in not being where I was needed for another loved one. And just like that, I quit on myself quietly, without drama, the way I always have. My plans folded up. The responsibility called. I got in the car.

When I finally got there, I made him dinner, helped him get his medications ready for the week, and we just talked. The next morning, I went shopping after we made a simple list together. I showed him the groceries after I put them away so he would know where they were located. I selected things specifically for him; things he liked and would enjoy. And I was struck by his gratitude. Not just for the shopping itself, but for the thought and care I put into their selection and placement.  He felt known, not just tended to.

Here is what I thought at that moment: I had gone backward. I had been pulled away from my becoming and back into my duty.

I was wrong.

I felt that moment was me choosing to go backward, but instead it was moving forward at the same time. Yes, I felt obligation and duty, but not in the way it first appeared. It wasn’t the service, it was the love. He showed up for me year after year and it was my turn to do the same for him. Caregiving didn’t interrupt my becoming. It showed up inside it. I worked through my fear and worry that I couldn’t take care of him, and built strength and trust in my capacity. Beyond that, I came to understand that the care I could provide was at a level a stranger could not because I knew him as a person outside of his needs and condition. 

Just like with my son; I didn’t need to give up loving and caring for him. It just took shape a bit differently. The work of transitioning at this stage of my life is not fully about letting go of the part of me that serves others. I am learning I can grow and change to better suit myself, find fulfillment, and still show up fully for the people I love.

If you are in that tension right now — feeling pulled back every time you try to move forward — I want to offer you this:

To be cared for is lovely. But to be shown you are known and valued in the process of caring — that is priceless. Which one are you giving right now? And which one are you giving yourself?

Read the full post: The Guilt of Long Distance Caregiving

Journal Prompt

Think of a recent moment when caregiving or service felt like it was pulling you away from something you were building for yourself. Were you showing up out of guilt — or out of knowing? What does the difference feel like in your body?