I sat in my Toyota Sienna with the windows up, the key in the ignition, and the humid Missouri heat building outside. I took a deep breath, held it a bit and started the engine. In a second or two, gloriously cool air blew through the space and I let out a sigh of both relief and satisfaction. I thought, “it feels like freedom.”

Let me go back a few steps and share the context.

One of the things I have been carrying lately is this idea that getting older means relying more and more on others. I think I have a fear of it, as a lifelong quietly stubborn and independent woman. At the same time, my husband and I have felt tension around our finances as we prepare for our second child to go off to college this fall. We have hit the twenty year plus mark with our home and all the things in it; it has been a season of bleeding money. I have a feeling that you understand that season all too well, or will soon enough if you are in midlife. Thus, paying for installations, repairs, and so not a simple decision.

When our family van’s fan system started making horrible noises and then just quit, my husband didn’t seem too enthusiastic about having it repaired. It has been in the 90s (F) and above in the mid-west this summer, and with the fan broken, it meant no air-conditioning. In a couple of weeks, we will drive over eighteen hours straight to stay with my brother and then move our daughter into her dorm the next day. Driving while so hot, it would be such a miserable and sad trip.

Something in me wondered what it would take to repair the fan on my own. I looked for a simple video and found one on Youtube. You really can find nearly every possible kind of tutorial on Youtube! As it turned out, the part I needed could be replaced in ten minutes with the right tools and experience. I’m going to link the video at the end because this was so informative, the details in the notes told exactly what tool was needed, and the comments were helpful in my decision on what part to buy (the cheaper version or company recommended part). Even if you have a different vehicle, there may be other helpful videos from the creator you might find useful.

Ladies, you know that much goes into repairing something yourself well before the actual act of repairing. Finding the right part, ordering it, picking it up, and making sure you have the right tool. This meant talking to several men and having to deal with their condescension or mansplaining (sometimes both at the same time). I did suffer some of this, but I found the tool on my own at Home Depot and talked to a serviceman over the phone who was so friendly and enthusiastic I didn’t really mind when he suggested I make an appointment to have them install the fan motor for me.

On a hot Friday morning, I drove my oldest daughter to volunteer at an ecology center without air-conditioning running in the van. We appreciated having the windows down and a cool breeze took the brunt of the heat out of the cabin. I picked up the part and drove home, ready to install. Without a word to anyone in the house, I grabbed the tools, placed a picnic blanket on the floor of the passenger side, and eased my small body down on my back under the glove compartment. I would love to say that it took me ten minutes to complete the switch and that it was so simple, but not so.

It was true, there were only three screws I needed to loosen and remove to take the old part out, but it was tricky to get to each of them and the special tool I purchased did not rotate as expected. I ran into the house and found a wrench to help loosen and turn the screws. The process was slow and progressed millimeter by millimeter at a time. I had to pause, move the wrench, and rotate the tool a bit at a time. Yes, I probably made it so much harder because I was stubborn and didn’t want to ask for another tool. I had what I needed and just wanted to proceed and prove to myself that I could do it.

About half an hour later, the part was replaced. I have carpal tunnel syndrome, so it might have taken less time but I had to stop and rest my arms occasionally. While I did the tedious task of using the wrench to turn the tool, I kept telling myself I would be so happy when it was complete and I was able to do it myself. I kept thinking of the moment I would turn the engine on, press the fan button, and feel cool air blow through the cabin.

And, that is exactly how it played out and felt. It was less about pride and more about feeling the accomplishment – the independence of completing the task all the way through on my own. I felt like I was thumbing my nose at fear.

Midlife seems to be full of moments such as these. There is a quiet pull toward believing that at our age, with all our experience, things should come easier by now, or should simply fall to someone younger. But handing the challenge off means handing off the learning with it, and it means letting the frustration of being unexpectedly tested convince us we are not up to the task. I would rather keep showing up for myself. Not for everything, and not without help where help is genuinely needed, but for the things I am capable of meeting on my own, even slowly.

I am not about to do body work on the van or get into the motor for anything serious. But the fear I started with, that getting older means needing more and more from other people, feels a little quieter now. It turns out that is a story, and stories can be revised. I also have a new appreciation for a simple motor, and for the people who install them without a second thought. Doing the work myself shifted something, and left me grateful for things I never used to think about at all.

And that earlier fear? I put it to rest for now.

Find this article and others like it on my substack website, but also at www.quietalchemyspace.com where you will also find resources and more information about my Photo Harvest Journaling Method specifically for those of us living through a midlife transition.

Youtube video tutorial for van fan installation here.